Abusive Relationships

No one intentionally plans on entering into an abusive relationship. But things or at least our partner falls apart. And our relationship afterwards becomes one steep descent into trauma and depression.  Everyone will agree that forewarned is forearmed. Isn’t it so much better to be cautious of an abusive partner rather than fighting an abusive relationship and emerging scarred?

If your partner displays the following signs then chances are there you’re in an abusive relationship and you badly need to act.

1.    One minute partner is loving and the next, punishing you for not doing things correctly. This is a major sign. Manipulation plays a huge role in most abusive relationships.

2.    When your partner is jealous. He/she calls constantly or visits unexpectedly.

3.    The most dangerous sign of an abusive partner is when he starts getting to controlling or has unrealistic expectations from you.

4.    He starts verbally abusing you and later apologises for it.

5.    When the person you’re with starts isolating you from family and friends.

These signs come under emotional abuse. In abusive relationships[I1] , emotional abuse is often ignored and not given that much attention as physical abuse. Physical abuse usually begins with a forceful sex termed playful by your partner. It quickly escalates to frequent physical assault and violence.

People who are abused often feel like it's their fault — that they "asked for it" or that they don't deserve any better. In a worst case scenario the victim after being a long time in an abusive relationship starts feeling normal. Often, the victims are hesitant to leave an abusive relationship because of social stigma and fear of rejection from society. There is also a false belief that our partner is abusive only because of some twisted past and it is upon us to save our relationship.

But no one deserves to be mistreated or abused. The moment you start getting nervous around your abusive partner, walk away. Do not give in to their threats or violence. You don’t have to go out of the way to stay in an abusive relationship only for the sake of it or from the fear of failure.

Remember there is a world outside that is also full of loving and kind people.

Why people stay in abusive relationships?

Abusive Relationships

People who have never been abused often wonder why a person can’t leave an abusive relationship. There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships.

·          Fear: They are afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship. Their partner has threatened them and they do not feel safe leaving.

·          Believing Abuse is Normal: Their idea of a healthy relationship is messed up and they don’t recognize that abuse is not normal and is unhealthy.

·          Embarrassment: It’s hard for them to admit to abuse and they feel they have done something wrong. Also the fear of being judged by family & friends makes them stay on.

·          Low Self-esteem: Being constantly put down and devalued makes them think that abuse is their fault.

·           Love:  They feel the abuser will change because there is love involved in the relationship.

·          Social/Peer Pressure: If the abuser is popular, it can be hard for a person to tell their friends for fear that no one will believe them or that everyone will take the abuser’s side.

·          Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles, moral and social conditioning can make it difficult for women to admit to being abused. The religious upbringing may hinder their efforts and they may stay for fear of bringing shame to the family. Pregnancy/Parenting: They may feel pressurized to raise their children with both parents together, even if that means staying in an abusive relationship. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm the children if the abused leaves.

·          Lack of Money: Financial dependence on the abuser is a big deterrent for them to leave.

·          Nowhere to Go:  No place to go, even if they decide to leave an abusive relationship, can dampen their spirit and force them to stay on.

# Abusive Relationships

Warning signs that you are in an abusive relationship

1. He’s pushy and aggressive
He claims almost immediately after meeting you, "I've never felt loved like this before by anyone." putting pressure on you for an exclusive commitment sooner than required.

2. He’s constantly jealous
He is excessively possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly.

3. He's controlling.
He interrogates you intensely about who you talked to and where you were, checks your phone calls/ text messages, checks mileage on the car, keeps all the money or asks for receipts, and insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. He has very unrealistic expectations.
He expects perfection from you and for you to meet his every need.

5. He isolates you
He does everything to cut you off from your family & friends, deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job.

6. He blames others for his own mistakes.
The boss, family, you — it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong. The victim in him is too strong.

7. He makes everyone else responsible for their feelings.
The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I'm angry." "I wouldn't get so pissed off if you wouldn't...typical sign of an abuser.

8. He's hypersensitive.
He's easily insulted, easily pissed off and will often crib about injustices meted out by life & others.

9. He's cruel to animals and children.
He kills or punishes animals brutally. He also may expect children to do things beyond their ability or tease them until they cry.

10. Sex with him is not about love & tenderness
He uses playful force inside the bedroom, enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will; he finds the idea of rape exciting. He intimidates, manipulates or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts.

11. Verbal abuse abounds
He constantly criticizes you or says cruel things. He curses and calls you ugly names & uses cuss words often. He devalues you .He uses vulnerable points about your past or current life against you.

12. He’s an MCP
He expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13. He has sudden mood swings.
He switches from loving to angry in a matter of minutes, leaving you baffled.

14. He has a past of battering women
He admits to hitting women in the past, but states that they or the situation brought it on- that it wasn’t his fault.

15. He threatens violence, at the drop of a hat
He makes statements such as, "I'll break your neck," but then dismisses it with "I really didn't mean it."